Charlie Eppes's Fanfiction Workshop
by Ryan Phelan
Summary: The title says it all.  Come on in and grab a seat, class is about to begin!


**Disclaimer: I do not own Numb3rs (if I did, season 6 would have been a hell of a lot better). I've been writing and reading fanfics for over a decade now, and I figured I'd share what I've learned along the way, with tongue planted firmly in cheek. You might agree with what I've written here or you might not, but in either case I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. **

**And so, without further ado, I present…. **

**Charlie Eppes's Fanfiction Workshop**

Hello, fellow writers! My name is Dr. Charles Eppes. Welcome to my Fanfiction Workshop! Whether you're an up-and-coming writer looking for pointers or an experienced writer looking to brush up a bit, this workshop has something for everyone. We're all here for the same reason: to become a better writer.

Some of you might be wondering if a mathematics professor is qualified to run a creative writing workshop. After all, they're two completely different beasts, right? Not necessarily. As you may recall, I'm not just a mathematician, I'm also a published author; in writing _The Attraction Equation_, I walked the delicate line between fact and fiction, presenting my carefully researched data in a colorful and entertaining way that landed my book on the bestseller list for several weeks.

I also have a lot of personal experience when it comes to fanfiction, not as a writer, but as the unwitting star of thousands of fanfics. I have had every conceivable thing happen to me, so I know what works and what doesn't. Don't waste your time trying to think of some new and exciting torture to inflict on me, because believe me, whatever you come up with has already been done. Once you've seen one 'Charlie falls through a wormhole and ends up in 19th century London where he helps Sherlock Holmes track down Jack the Ripper while Don teams up with Dr. Who to bring him home' fanfic, you've seen them all.

So, let's get started, shall we?

**I. The Golden Rule of Fanfiction: Stay True to the Characters **

What makes a person single out a TV show to love and worship above all others? One that they watch religiously, buy the DVDs, and write fanfics about? The characters! It doesn't matter what the show's format is - a sitcom, a medical drama or even a reality show - people tune in because one way or another, they relate to the characters. Keep this in mind when you're writing your fanfics; write the characters as they are, not how you want them to be.

Let's try an exercise. I want you to think of Colby Granger; take a moment to get a good image of him. Got it? Now, describe Colby _without referring to his looks or his job in any way._ We already know that he's a FBI agent, a former soldier, and former double agent. We also know that he's cute, handsome, rugged, etc. When we eliminate all of those elements from the equation, what are we left with? _Who is Colby Granger?_ What are his strengths and weaknesses? What is his relationship with his friends and colleagues? _That_ is the character you're writing about.

Let's try another exercise. I want you to think of an old TV show that you like, one that is now off the air but had a run of at least three seasons; that's usually long enough for the viewer to get a good feel of the characters. Now think about this: during that show's run, did any of the characters experience a major personality shift, or did they all basically stay the same as they were from beginning to end? Most of you are thinking the latter. Even in cases where a show "jumped the shark" the characters never really changed; they were essentially the same as they'd always been, except their personalities had been exaggerated to such a degree that they'd become caricatures of themselves. It's a sad way to go.

People don't really change in real life. Their circumstances might change, their priorities might change, their opinions might change, but they essentially stay the same. The same holds true for TV characters. Remember that when writing your fanfics; when you stay true to the characters you can get away with a lot of things, especially when you enter that tricky terrain of AUs and crossovers. A lot of readers could embrace a _Numb3rs/Supernatural_ fanfic, as long as I stick to being a mathematician and not suddenly decide to don a leather jacket, grab a shotgun and start blowing off zombie heads. Once a character starts acting more than a little out of character, the readers lose interest.

**II. Writing the Story**

There are two big advantages to writing a fanfic. First, you already have the characters and a premise, so that's half the work right there. Second, you are constantly being given new material as the show progresses; every new development, every new character, every new plot twist, opens the door to dozens of possibilities. Most of us don't need any help when it comes to story ideas, but when it comes to actually _writing_ the story…well, that's when we hit our first snag, isn't it? So many of us have story ideas that will knock around in our heads for months, even years, without ever becoming a fanfic. So, how does one go about bridging the gap between story idea and actual story?

**a. Write an Outline**

Whether you're writing a oneshot or a chapter fic, an outline is an invaluable tool. An outline is a summary of your story. It's like writing a book report, except you haven't actually read the book. And the book only exists in your head.

However, as Lao Tzu once said, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step," and in this case the first step is to get the story out of your head and onto paper, be it real or electronic. Don't worry about the details right now, just concentrate on the basic story elements: beginning, middle, and end. I've found it helps to start by writing a brief synopsis, like the kind you see on the back of a DVD. However you get started, the important thing is _to _get started; you'd be surprised at how quickly the writing tumbles out once you've opened the door.

After you finish your outline, go take a well-deserved break to clear your head. The break can be as long as you want; after all, you're not on the clock, this is strictly for fun. However, I would strongly advise you not to wait too long if you ever want your story to see the light of day. After the success of _The Attraction Equation_, I had plenty of ideas for a follow-up book, only one of which made it to the outline stage. I always meant to write it, but I was busy and after all this time I'm just not interested in writing it anymore; to this day, I sometimes come across that outline and I wonder what might have been. So don't slack off! The longer you wait, the less likely you are to write the fic.

The next step is to flesh out your story. Reread your outline and start adding details; eliminate the parts that don't work, expand on the ones that do, and fill in any plot holes. During this process you might discover that the story isn't working out the way you thought it would and decide to drop it, which is perfectly fine. That's one of the benefits of writing an outline; it's better to realize the story is dead in the planning stage than after you've already posted several chapters.

As I mentioned earlier, I recommend an outline for both oneshots and chapter fics. Writing a story is so much easier when you have an outline to work from; just as an architect doesn't start building a house without a blueprint, a writer shouldn't start writing a story without an outline. However, I think we can all agree that writing a oneshot is a lot easier than writing a chapter fic.

Picture a Humpback whale. They are amazing, majestic animals, gracefully gliding through the water one minute and breaching the water with the raw power of a volcano the next, leaving all who see them in awe. Now picture that same whale lying dead on the beach; the amazing, majestic animal that you once admired is now a rotting corpse. Heartbreaking, isn't it? That's what happens whenever a chapter fic dies; it just lies there decomposing, leaving behind countless disappointed fans. Next we'll discuss how to keep your chapter fic from turning into a dead whale.

**b. Don't Start Posting Your Story until it's at least 90% Finished**

The general rule of thumb when it comes to writing is, _know your ending._

It's that time of year when all of your favorite TV shows have completed their season, and with any luck, will return for a brand new season come September. Pick any one show you watched regularly from the start of this past season until the end; think of all the story arcs, character developments, plot twists, and stunning revelations that occurred. Now think about this: the show's writers already knew how the season was going to end _when the first episode of the season aired. _

In some cases the show's creators envision a five-or-six-year plan, which means that at the time of the show's premiere, all of the major story arcs _for the entire series_ had already been decided. An example of one such show is one of my personal favorites, _Supernatural._ As all of you diehard fans know, the show's creator, Eric Kripke, originally meant for the show to last 5 seasons, and sure enough he signed off after season 5. His ending didn't satisfy everyone (which would have been impossible), but at least he had an ending, and that's better than no ending at all.

Some of you might argue that since _Supernatural_ is still on the air, it doesn't have an ending yet. In that case, may I present Exhibit A: Buffy_ the Vampire Slayer_. Like _Supernatural_, it was originally meant to run for 5 seasons, yet continued on for two more years.

Pop quiz!

Question #1: Should _Buffy_ have ended after season 5, or were the last 2 seasons a great addition to the series that didn't take anything away from the previous seasons?

Question #2: Who among you would rather chew off their own arm than start up that argument again?

That's what I thought. But I digress.

The reason most chapter fics die out is because the writer either (a) hits writer's block or (b) loses interest in the story. Both problems can be avoided by finishing the story, or at least 90% of the story, before you start posting it. Again, it's better to find out that you can't or won't finish your story while it's still in development, and not when you've already posted a few chapters.

All stories require a beginning, middle, and end, but the ending is perhaps the most important element of all; if you have no ending, you have no story. Remember that when you set out to write your fanfic. There are already thousands of rotting whale carcasses out there…we don't need any more.

**c. Don't Spread Yourself too Thin **

Chapter fics take a lot of time and effort; the longer the fic, the more time and effort you have to put into it. Finishing just one fic is quite an accomplishment, but juggling two chapter fics at once? Very few people can do this, and let's face it, you are not one of those people.

Let's do the math.

Think about a fanfic writer you admire. Check out their webpage and count the number of chapter fics listed (for all of their fandoms, not just _Numb3rs_). Of those, how many are complete? Take the total number of completed chapter fics and compare it to the total number of all chapter fics. That is your 'success ratio.' In other words, that is how good they are at completing a fanfic.

Now let's look at how long it took them to complete one chapter fic. Add up the days between the 'start date' and the 'complete' date. Now, divide it by the number of chapters. That is the 'frequency rate.' That is, how often they update their fic.

So what does it all mean?

On average, the writers with the highest success ratio are the ones who work on only one chapter fic at a time. They also tend to have a higher frequency rate. On the other hand, those who are juggling two or more chapter fics tend to have a lower frequency rate, and are more likely to abandon one, if not all, of their fics.

We all remember how exciting it was to fall in love with a shiny new fandom; there were zillions of story ideas bouncing around in your head, each one just begging to be made into a fanfic. So you got to work, writing whenever you got the chance with the energy of a hundred cans of Red Bull. But, as with everything else in life, eventually the bloom fell off the rose. Writing became more of a chore than a pleasure. Updates became less and less frequent, and before you knew it, you found yourself eyeing another fandom, one that's shiny and new. Just like the last one used to be…

What was my point? Oh yeah, you need to finish what you started, and the best way to do that is to concentrate on one chapter fic at a time. You might get the urge to write another story along the way, and if it's just a oneshot, then go ahead; we all need the occasional creative release. Otherwise, it's best to steer clear. A second chapter fic might seem like a good idea at the time, but you'd be surprised how suddenly it can turn around and bite you in the ass; the creative juices dry up and you find yourself with a chapter fic that's going nowhere, and you don't have the time or the interest to work on it anymore. Then what?

Some writers will put a story "on hiatus" in an attempt to reassure their readers that they're just taking a break and not abandoning their story altogether, but those who have been in the fanfiction game long enough knows what this really means. A writer who puts their story on hiatus is in denial; they can't admit to their readers or themselves that the story is dead, and this is their way of saving face. Think about it; how many fics have you seen that were put "on hiatus" have ever been completed? There are very few exceptions to this rule. A rotting whale carcass with the words 'on hiatus' written on it is still a rotting whale carcass. Harsh, but true.

This concludes the first half of the workshop, writing and posting a fanfic. In the second half, we talk about what happens next, mainly…

**III. Reviews: Giving and Receiving **

Who doesn't love being appreciated? To receive some recognition for all of their hard work and, dare I say, even admired for it? For the average fanfic writer, these three things…appreciation, recognition, admiration…all boil down to one thing: reviews!

Reviews are, in a word, awesome! For the author, it gives them the encouragement and motivation they need to keep writing, becoming a better writer in the process. For the reviewer, it gives them a chance to express their appreciation and maybe offer some constructive criticism, which in turn could also help the author become a better writer. However, like all good things in life, it can quickly turn sour if abused, neglected, or used improperly. So let's talk about how to utilize and enjoy reviews to the fullest, while at the same time avoiding all of the common pitfalls.

**a. Getting Reviews **

Picture a candy machine. You're hungry and really in the mood for something sweet. So you put some money into the candy machine, press a button, and out pops the candy. Simple, right?

Now let's say you want some more candy. Do you just stand in front of the candy machine and wait for it to give you another candy bar? Of course not. If you want more candy, you have to put more money in the machine.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Many writers like to say "feed the hungry writer," but you need to realize that it's a two-way street. Statistically, most reviews for a new story and/or chapter are posted within the first 30 days; after that, they are few and far between, until finally they stop coming altogether. It's a simple equation: the more often you post something new, the more reviews you get.

However, don't let your quest for reviews make you forget about why you started writing fanfiction in the first place…to show those idiot writers and producers how things _should have happened!_ Hear that, Ronnie? The show would still be on the air if you'd just listened to me, but nooo! Now what have you got? A movie? Yeah right. When is that coming out again? Oh, wait, don't tell me, it's still "in development." …cough…cough…

Sorry, sorry, I had a tickle in my throat _(ahem)._ As I was saying, the reason you got into writing fanfiction in the first place was, first and foremost, to express your creativity; reviews, as awesome as they are, are secondary to that. Frankly, I have more respect for the fanfiction writer who keeps posting in spite of the low number of reviews than I do for the fanfic writer who has great style yet leaves many an unfinished stories in their wake.

On that note, don't let a lack of reviews discourage you. There are many possible reasons why you aren't getting a lot of reviews, but let's address the three most common ones.

Reason #1: It's an old fandom. The show has been off the air for several years, and most of its fans have moved on. If you have the urge to write a fanfic for a show that ended back in the '80s or '90s, don't expect a lot of reviews.

Reason #2: You're new to the fandom. Your stories might be good, even great, but it takes time build a following; just hang in there and keep writing, and they will come.

Reason #3: You stink. The harsh reality is, some stories don't get reviews because they aren't any good. But don't worry, all is not lost; the best way to get better at writing fanfiction is to _keep writing fanfiction._ Just look at some of the more popular fanfic writers; if you were to stack their most recent stories against their earlier ones, you would see a definite improvement. Once again, the secret is to hang in there and keep writing; practice _doe_s make perfect.

**b. Giving Reviews **

When it comes to giving reviews, I've complied a simple list of Do's and Don'ts.

DO leave a review if you liked the story. Picture a cockroach. For every one you see, there are a dozen that you don't see. It's the same deal with readers; for every person who posts a review, there are many more people who love the fanfic enough to read it several times, even put it on their 'favorites' list, yet never bother to leave a review. Frankly, that's just wrong; it only takes a few minutes to write a review, and if you have the time to sit around reading fanfiction, you sure as heck have the time to leave a review. A simple "hey, I really like this story" is good enough; it doesn't take much to make a writer happy, and a happy writer is a productive writer.

DON'T give in to blackmail. One of my biggest pet peeves is writers who try to blackmail their readers for reviews. You know the type I'm talking about; they're the ones who declare that they're not going to post another chapter until they get a certain number of reviews. Whenever I come across a fic like that, I stop reading it immediately and never go back. Why? Because statements like 'I'll trade X for Y' can hardly be considered a legally binding agreement. Writing fanfics is a hobby, not a job. There's no paycheck, no deadlines, no boss breathing down your neck…in other words, no motivation other than the person's own ambition. So what's to prevent a blackmailer whose story received tons of reviews from abandoning it forever at any given moment? Absolutely nothing. Spare yourself the heartbreak and steer clear of these fanfics.

DO offer constructive criticism. If you notice any plot holes, major continuity errors, characters who aren't acting in character, or if you simply have a kickass idea that you'd like to see the author include in their fic, then by all means, share! Good writers are always open to suggestions that could improve their fanfics.

However, criticism is like a hot potato; if it's not handled correctly, it can leave a nasty stinging burn. So how do we avoid that?

DON'T nitpick. Just about every fanfic has errors, many of which are minor and don't affect the story at all, so there's no need to point them all out. Spelling Nazis are perhaps the worst offenders; always lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce on some poor unsuspecting soul who accidentally writes 'loose' instead of 'lose' or uses a double negative. Seriously, you'd think they were dismantling a bomb about to destroy a preschool the way they obsessively pick, pick pick the story apart! Who cares? Winning a spelling bee in the fourth grade doesn't make you the Grand Poobah of Spelling Town! Just where has perfect spelling gotten you in life anyway? Did it get you into Princeton _and _Oxford, or get you three, count 'em, _three_ PhD'S? Or a gorgeous wife? HUH?

Sorry, sorry…I did it again, didn't I? It's just that as someone who is somewhat spelling impaired, this is a pretty sensitive topic for me. I'm not saying that spelling and grammar aren't important, just that they don't have to be perfect. If the spelling and grammar is so bad that it's affecting the overall quality of the fanfic, then go ahead and speak up; otherwise, just let it go. The same thing goes for all other _minor_ errors you might notice.

DO be kind. Above all else, when offering criticism or simply leaving a comment, always observe the other Golden Rule: treat others the way you would want to be treated. Before you submit your review, take a minute to reread it; how would this review make you feel if you were on the receiving end? When you can answer that question in a positive way, you are ready to submit your review.

Okay, so now we've covered three of the four major topics of fanficion: writing the fic, posting the fic, and reviewing the fic. That just leaves one last thing to discuss, a disgusting, unpleasant thing that nobody likes or wants, yet is as firmly entrenched in the realm of fanfiction as that hairy mole on your Great Aunt Agatha's chin. They are so foul they have to have a category all their own so as not to infect the other categories. They are the hair in your mashed potatoes, the scrap of paper the vacuum clear just won't pick up, the tiny gnat buzzing in your ear as you're trying to fall asleep. You know what I'm talking about…

**IV. Trolls**

Trolls already get more attention than they deserve, so I'm going to keep this short and sweet: Don't feed the trolls!

Picture a raccoon. He'll roam the suburbs, moving from house to house, searching for a tasty meal. When he finds a house that has food, such as unlocked garbage cans or a bowl of doggie kibble, he'll not only eat his fill, but he'll remember that house as the place with the food. He'll then return the next night, and the night after that, and the night after that, and so on.

Trolls are no different from raccoons, or any other dumb animal for that matter; feed them just once, and they'll keep coming back for more. Therefore, the solution to the troll problem is simple: take away their food, and you take away their reason return. Sure, they might come back a couple of times out of habit, but once they realize there's no more food at that address, they'll move on.

But wait, you might say. The troll didn't just insult my fanfic, they personally attacked me and my family and friends! They hurt my feelings _and _pissed me off! I can't just ignore that, can I?

Why, yes. Yes you can. Trust me, the worst thing you can do to a troll is to ignore them; they're lonely, pathetic creatures that thrive on _any_ kind of attention, good or bad. If you take the troll's bait and flame them, you might think you've won, but the truth is you've given them exactly what they want. Don't play that game. Life is too short to waste on fools.

That concludes today's workshop. I hope you enjoyed it, and learned something useful as well. There's a suggestion box next to the exit, so feel free to leave comments. Take care and keep on writing!


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